Yeah…Immaeatthat

Aug 04

Why I haven’t weighed myself in 2 1/2 years.

When Andrew and I got back from our honeymoon 2 1/2+ years ago, I went to the doctor because the honeymoon was a bit of a doozy for me health-wise.  I got a UTI (yay waiting for marriage) AND I had a sinus infection that turned into vertigo likely due to the pressure change of flying on a plane.  On the honeymoon I ended up passing out in the shower due to a combination of the vertigo making me feel so nauseous/disoriented + tequila (hello, Cabo) + walking in the hot sun.  In spite of all this, the honeymoon was magical.

hawaii | immaEATthat.com
{this photo is from Hawaii}

I went to my Houston doctor when we got home because a nice doctor from Cabo had given me some meds I didn’t trust (they were out of the trunk of his car and Andrew paid $100 cash for them lol) and the vertigo/dizziness/nauseated feeling was still overwhelming.  My doctor walked into the office and the first thing she said to me was, “you’ve gained weight.” I remember thinking, “hmm.  Even though the foreign doctor gave me meds out of his trunk, at least he didn’t comment on my weight unnecessarily.”    

I knew I needed a prescription for antibiotics for my UTI and a prescription for Meclizine for the vertigo.  I felt like my weight had NOTHING to do with why I was in my doctor’s office.  I do have to say here that I have a ton of respect for my doctor.  She never knew about my eating disorder and after telling her my reasons for not wanting to know my weight she has been VERY respectful.

I left her office annoyed that I (or diet culture) had conditioned myself to feel like crap about myself when my weight increased.  At this point in time I was probably weighing myself about once a month.  It wasn’t a daily activity I engaged in, but once a month was enough to keep me feeling that I was tied to the scale.  I knew I had gained weight before I went to see my doctor and I was trying to be at peace with it.

On my wedding day I remember being unhappy with my weight.  How annoying is that? How annoying that it’s even a memory I have of my wedding day.  

wedding | immaEATthat.com

At that point in my life, there were a lot of life changes going on.  I had just finished my first semester of grad school and had 1 1/2 years left.  I was newly married.  I finally had a hobby I enjoyed for the first time ever (blogging).  I wasn’t dependent on my parents anymore and that sense of independence (even though my parents made my childhood and early adulthood MAGICAL) was something I never really realized how much I needed.  I had and was continuing to work through some social anxiety at the time by increasing my exposure to social situations.  I realized how empty I felt/feel inside when I spend all my time alone (one of the reasons I didn’t pursue blogging full-time).  

Screen Shot 2016-08-03 at 9.52.20 PM

Basically, this was the first time in my life I felt like I was getting to know myself.  A time when the eating disorder was no longer calling the shots and controlling the decisions I made.  When the eating disorder melted away I started to realize who I was meant to be.  I do think the eating disorder melted away because I was taking action.  I was choosing relationships over my ED, wearing looser clothing so my body could figure out the weight it wanted to be, constantly repeating positive affirmations to myself (CONSTANTLY), I choose to stop running, I started eating what I was craving, and I started to do a regular yoga practice that would end with me resting my hands on my belly and me choosing to be okay with my belly.  I do not think I was able to take action because my ED melted away.  The ED melted away because I was taking action.  Having self awareness of what kept me in a ED/diet mentality helped,  but constantly challenging those things is what really changed my life.

laguna | immaEATthat.com

So my life was changing.  And as my life became more full of things that filled my emotional hunger, I found that my weight mattered less and less.  The only reason my weight mattered is because I was still getting on the scale every now and then and telling myself it mattered.  

One day I was journaling and realized…if there is something in my life that was keeping me from becoming the person I wanted to be, I should probably just stop doing that thing.  It seemed pretty simple.  When I picture myself with my future children, I don’t imagine myself getting on a scale before making us breakfast in the morning.  I don’t picture them seeing me weigh myself and judge myself.  I imagine us waking up, cuddling, going for a walk in the sunshine, coming home and making blueberry chocolate chip pancakes.  No where in my future life as a mom do I picture myself getting on a scale.

Kate Winslet Wisdom | immaEATthat.com

I wish I could say there was a point where I took a stand for my mental health and decided I would never weigh myself again, but it really didn’t happen like that.  

Ultimately it was curiosity that helped me stop weighing myself.  I think there is a strong tie between curiosity and mindfulness.  I was curious to see if it would have an affect on me.  And because I was curious, I was able to tune in to what my body was feeling. When I was weighing, I wasn’t able to allow my body to decide what weight it was meant to be.  The scale got to decide what weight my body should be.   

So I started to have this awareness about how the scale was making me feel.

Awareness opens up a space.  And in that space you realize you have choices.  Assessing those choices and then choosing to act differently than before is how behavior change happens.

Screen Shot 2016-08-03 at 9.56.10 PM

Getting on the scale was a behavior that was increasing the negative self-talk…so I stopped.  I had to build up my compassionate self (hello, positive affirmations).  

How much I weigh has become the least interesting part of me.  I take care of myself.  I move my body.  I eat satisfying foods. I now trust that my body will find the weight it needs to be.  Getting off the scale allowed me to start satisfying my soul with things that actually mattered, rather than controlling my life with things that didn’t matter.  I was finally filling myself up rather than tearing myself down.  

Screen Shot 2016-08-03 at 9.40.58 PM
{stretching in my best pants.} 

So here I am.  I haven’t weighed myself in 2 1/2+ years and have no intentions of weighing myself until I’m pregnant and my OBGYN needs to weigh me to make sure I’m gaining properly.  For the rest of my life I plan to continue making choices because I care for my body, not because I hate my body.  And for me that means not getting on a scale.

Moral of the story: if you think your weight/body size is the most interesting thing about you…you need a freaking hobby.

If you have a difficult relationship with food and your body, I hope you will look into my online course and see if it is something that resonates with you.

your weight is the least interesting thing about you | immaEATthat.com
{background image from anthro}

84 comments on “Why I haven’t weighed myself in 2 1/2 years.”

  1. Kylie, I loved reading every word of this post and seeing into the journey you have been on to get to the space you are in now. I am totally with you on doing things because I care for my body and not because I hate it. I love how you summed this up… “Awareness opens up a space.  And in that space you realize you have choices.  Assessing those choices and then choosing to act differently than before is how behavior change happens” <—– absolutely on point! This has not only helped my eating journey but also my journey with anxiety.
    Wonderful post, really loved it! 

  2. Great post, thank you! I really needed that today.

    I really, really hope I will be able to say such things in a while too. For now, I’ll start taking action, as you mentioned. :)

    • Hey, Inge:) A good thing to remember is…behaviors change before thoughts changes. The behavior of getting rid of the scale will feel wrong, but it will eventually help the self-hate/self-judgement thoughts decrease.

  3. I stopped weighing myself a few years ago during my anorexia recovery.  It has freed my mind up so much!  I’m now in my second pregnancy so I do get weighed at the doctor regular, but it doesn’t control me anymore.  Thank you for writing this post.  

  4. This is such an awesome post for so many people out there. Sometimes I feel like the world is going to stop caring so much about body appearance, but at the same time it seems worse. My motto has always been if I am healthy and can physically do the things I want to do then there is no shame in having some fat on my body, in fact I think fat on your body is a good thing and totally normal!

    • I’m with you. You can have fat on your body AND still be extremely healthy.

      Also, interesting point about –> “Sometimes I feel like the world is going to stop caring so much about body appearance, but at the same time it seems worse.” I totally agree. I feel like the body positively/HAES movement is growing and is trendy, but I still see clients weekly who are so impacted by the expectation society has for their body size.

  5. You rock! This post is awesome.

  6. for similar reasons, i threw my weighing scale..i eat, move, and enjoy life. so happy to hear all the progress you have made and now able to share your stories..i bet so many people can benefit from this. thank you!

  7. What a lovely post! Very well written, and I’m sure people at every place in life can find this useful.

  8. I LOVE THIS THANK YOU

  9. I needed this. I have a bad habit of weighing myself several times a day (UGH) and it totally affects my mood.

  10. TOTALLY AGREE!!! I did the same thing! So freeing and I hope this post will reach lots of other girls who are going through a tough time! Thanks for sharing your heart! 

  11. Much love and respect for you for writing this post! Even though it’s a few years away, I have evaluated my behaviors and considered how my kids would react. How would it affect their self-acceptance and self-love? I want to be a positive influence, and now I feel like I can fully be that person, greatly due to this blog. <3

    • I’m constantly thinking about how my future kids would be impacted if I reacted to something in a certain way. That Kate Winslet quote is one of my favorites for helping me remember the importance of finding self-acceptance and self-love…not only for me, but for those closest to me.

  12. Yes to this. Thank you. I’m appalled at the doctor saying that to you, but not surprised. I had a doctor poke my belly one time and say he was glad to see some fat.
    Earlier this year I realized my weight was a little up from what I was used to seeing. Normally it would go back down by itself but I noticed it was hanging around. I saw myself at the highest weight I’d been since my ED started 8 years ago. I had a strong desire to lose weight but when I really thought about, I realized I wasn’t willing to give up the things that matter to me to lose. Not worth it. I weighed myself last in May and I don’t plan on doing it again anytime soon. I’m much happier in limbo, not knowing.
    That Kate Winslett quote is one of my absolute favorites.
    Also loved the note about the UTI… We waited and I had my fair share of imbalances for the next month.

    • I can’t believe a doctor poked your belly and said THAT. NOT OKAY. Even if he was happy to see you had gained. Anyone who understands EDs should know how difficult weight restoration is and poking someone’s belly really doesn’t make it easier for them.

      Also…Andrew read this post and was like, “seriously? is the UTI note relevant.” I wanted to include it tho:)

  13. I also meant to say I LOVE your wedding photo. The unique bridesmaid dresses and your fur are beautiful!

  14. I love this post. I also think that I truly didn’t recover from my ED until I stopped weighing myself. It has been almost 1 1/2 years now since I last weighed myself. I realized that a number doesn’t determine my self worth. It doesn’t make me any less stronger or less beautiful. My weight has nothing to do with who I am as a person. I’m pretty sure I have gained weight since I last weighed myself, but who cares? I lift heavy and I eat foods that satisfy me. I think you best said it when you said, “how much I weigh has become the least interesting part of me.  I take care of myself.  I move my body.  I eat satisfying foods. I now trust that my body will find the weight it needs to be”. I am finally at a place in my life where I think I have achieved that. Not everyday is a perfect one for me, but hey I’m only human! Thank you for this wonderful reminder. 

  15. This is so, so important. Thank you for sharing!

  16. Thank you so much for this beautiful, raw, and vulnerable post. Your blog is my very favorite and you inspire me to remind myself of the important things every day. I’ve come along a similar journey and while I’m so proud of and content where I am now, I still occasionally have days where I need this kind of reminder <3

    • Sounds like you’ve worked hard to get to where you are now. That’s so great, Gillian<3

      I too still have occasional days when my body image is off. Those days just don't affect me like they use to. But they still happen from time to time. I think that's a pretty normal thing to need reminders.

  17. This is so insightful! I totally agree that there is a connection between curiosity and mindfulness, which you describe quite well. Thank you so much for sharing!

    • Thanks, Jennifer. I felt like I didn’t fully explain what I meant by the link between curiosity and mindfulness, but glad it made sense enough!:)

  18. I really, really loved this.  I hadn’t weighed myself in years, but it snuck up on me again on my journey out of disordered eating and over-exercising.  I needed this reminder that we truly offer more to the world, and more to ourselves, than the physical; so much more than the vanity of size and shape.  I loved how others took note of this line, as it was so poignant to me as well: “Awareness opens up a space.  And in that space you realize you have choices.  Assessing those choices and then choosing to act differently than before is how behaviour change happens.” *insert praise emoji hands here*

    I’ve followed your blog for a long time now, and I am so grateful to see the transition it has taken into body positivity, self love, and honestly – just real life. Thank you for creating a space to be open about these issues, and to be vulnerable with your readers.  You are a beautiful light in this world.

    • Love to you, Nicole. Thank you for these kind words and for sticking around and reading the blog while I’m figuring out exactly what the blog is meant to be<3

  19. This. So many people I know need to read this. Hell, I needed to read this. Thank you. Thank you for being honest. And open. And REAL.

  20. Great post! I threw away my scales a little over a year ago. I recently went to the doctor and respectfully declined to get on the scale. It was just a routine exam and seemed unnecessary. I’m nearly 44 years old, and it has taken me this long to get over that silly little thing! I shed way too many tears over the scale. I’m so happy that you and your younger readers are figuring this out earlier in life. No need to waste your years worrying about that silly number.

    • I’m with you, Marsha. No need to waste years worrying about numbers. I will not tell my children I spent my 20s/30s/40s worrying about my weight!

  21. I LOVE everything about this post…especially the last line. We are so much more than our weight, but it becomes so easy to focus on that as part of our identity. It’s definitely a mindset that I need to step away from (scale pun intended) so thank you for the reminder.

  22. Kylie, thank you so much for sharing so openly. I know you don’t usually talk about your ED history, but this post and others like it are so encouraging to me as I keep pushing out of my own past and into being able to really engage with all of life wholeheartedly. I am going to share this for sure (love the quote!)

    • I don’t like talking about my battle story of when I was in my ED, but I love sharing what helped me get out of that disordered place I was in.

      Keep pushing out of that past. Past is for reference, not for residence.

  23. This post is one of the MANY reasons why I love your blog and read every single day. I’m currently trying to break free from an ED that has consumed me for far too long. When I struggle, I often read your blog to remind me that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You found your way out of the dark place that is ED/anorexia and hopefully I can too :)

    • KEEP MOVING FORWARD, Amanda. I like to tell my clients anytime they are feeling stuck, “you didn’t come this far, to only come this far.” You will get out of that dark place. Your entire life is waiting for you!

  24. I just cried :) “How much I weigh has become the least interesting part of me.” I promise you I’ll remember that line for the rest of my life. Thank you for such a fabulous post <3

  25. Amazing!!

    I too stopped weighing myself and when I go to the doctors I ask not to be weighed and explain that I am in recovery. Just this year a nurse congratulated me on this accomplishment instead of acting weird or baffled. Best moment ever.

  26. Flip I love this post!!!!! So so amazing.

    You are an inspiration girl:)

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  28. So many good thoughts Kylie. As a new mom to a baby girl I have a lot of growing to do to make sure she has a healthy view of herself and others. Thanks for sharing!

  29. YES. Sometimes this society and social media can really bring out the worst Insecuritiess but I appreciate this post so much and admire you and your blogs!

    Thank you for sharing!

  30. Amazing post. I have just started this same task of NOT weighing myself since having gained a lot of weight this year after trying to put an end to my struggle with an ED for over the past six years. I must say, I was curious too as to what would happen if I did not consume my thoughts with my daily weight and it has become so incredibly liberating to feel free from it all! Also, I have weighed myself once since (only because I had to at a recent Drs visit) and was amazed when I had lost weight. I truly think that by allowing my body to do its thing, I was able to lose weight and finally start becoming what my body has wanted to be.

    Also! Thank you for writing such great posts. I am a senior nutrition student and I yearn to be an RD like you and specialize in helping those with ED’s. Thank you for always being a great role model and inspiration.

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  32. Wonderful post! I gave up my daily weigh-ins about 6 months ago and it’s been freeing in such a huge way. I used to go to great lengths to make sure that morning weigh in was a low as possible. I’d be sure to workout first thing, not drink/eat ANYTHING, use the bathroom, etc…. all before weighing in. The number on the scale never resulted in anything positive. The number was either “good” and I’d work even harder to keep that number or the number was “bad” and I’d feel like crap all day and beat myself up in an attempt to ‘do better”. It’s no way to live.
    There have been times I’ve been tempted to weigh myself but then I remind myself that no good could come from it. I am not my weight.

    A word of warning about pregnancy weigh-ins (I have 2 children)… they’re mostly unnecessary. In the UK, most women don’t get weighed during pregnancy appts. In the U.S, we’re obsessed with the weigh in so even your ob will tell you they’re crucial. If I were to have another child, I would not look at the scale when they weighed me and ask to NOT be told what the number is unless it was a major health concern.

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  34. After losing a ton of weight due to illness (and loving my thinner frame), and slowly re-gaining 15-20 pounds since I’ve gotten HEALTHY (documented at the doctor), it’s been a constant struggle. I made a conscious choice to stop weighing myself a few months ago I’ve finally accepted where I am and accepted fueling myself properly, moving my body to the best of its ability, and living healthfully. Thank you for your smart and kind words — it’s so great to see we’re not alone!

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  36. Such a great post. I actually still struggle with the scale issue. I’m MUCH better than I used to be though. Tell Andrew that the UTI note was necessary because the same circumstances applied to me with the same result. Ugh. So embarrassing to have to call my doctor for meds and call in to work for a sick day. EVERYONE in the office knew what was wrong and why :(

    I am going through a life transition (menopause) and am trying very hard to be curious about and kind to my body as it changes. There were times I would have beat it into submission through restriction and exercise. Now I’m trying to give it what it needs with both nutrition and exercise.

    Love how you share so much truth and wisdom.

  37. Kylie – this is why I love you and your blog! You are such an inspiration. I struggled with anorexia all four years of high school and when I think about that time of my life, ALL I remember is how much I weighed and how much I ate. Making the decision to stop obsessing about my weight was the final chain that truly released me from ED. Life is so much more than a silly number. <3

  38. I came back from my honeymoon a few weeks ago and absolutely loved it!! It was the best time and for the most part, it went really smoothly as far as me keeping cool about just all the food we were eating. I loved eating all the seafood (fried, baked, broiled), ice cream and other desserts, and having a few drinks most nights because we were celebrating! So it would have been really disappointing for me to come back from that and be told that I gained weight. Like I had done something wrong when the constant fight to be okay with gaining weight is INCREDIBLE hard! Great post! I’m not completely scale free, but posts like this make me ask myself why I’m not, and they’re great motivators for me!

  39. SUCH a great message for anyone regardless of their weight history. I also stopped weighing myself about 1 1/2 years ago and from that point on, a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders (no pun intended). I honestly believe that as long as you’re taking care of your body and doing things that make YOU feel good, your body will find its “happy place”, whether that means gaining, losing or just maintaining your current weight. Good for you for sharing your story!

  40. I made a commitment to stop weighing myself in May. I think it was the only thing tying me in any significant way to my eating disorder. It has only been 3 months but it has already made a huge impact on my life. It is SO freeing. I decided to free myself from the scale after reading another bloggers post on why she stopped weighing herself. So thank you for spreading the message, I know it will help someone else let go of the scale and stop letting a number dictate their self-value.

  41. This is such an incredible post. Thank you for this. The scale is something that can obviously so detrimental to how one feels about themselves. And like you said, no one wants to be weighing themselves every morning when they have kids.. think of what a bad example that would set for children! Love this and you so much Kylie- keep spreading this message girl!! xoxo

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  43. Love this post!

    I know you mentioned only getting weighed when you get pregnant to make sure you are gaining properly.

    I recommend asking your doctor not to tell you how much you have gained unless there is a problem. So many women get caught up in gaining weight while pregnant. It was one of the most stressful things for me.

  44. Thanks for sharing, Kylie! I had a pretty similar experience related to curiosity and mindfulness and realizing how much happier I would be if I stopped weighing myself. And so I did. It was so liberating and I believe it helped me to make really forward steps at the time with my eating disorder recovery.

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  48. Just found your blog— LOVE IT!

  49. What a beautifully written and thoughtful post. I identify with SO much of your experience with an ED and telling myself that stepping on a scale and the number it flashed back at me mattered. Thank you for sharing your experiences and your insight. I hope more women open up like you have and continue to encourage others to be mindful of their actions and the way that they look at and talk about their bodies.

    One note- While reading your blog posts I am constantly (at least four times per minute) redirected to an ad site which either opens up to the App Store or shows a “502 Bad Gateway” message. I then have to go back, which reloads the page and loses the place I was reading which makes it difficult to read the post. Just thought it might be something to address!

    • Oh, and I myself haven’t weighed myself since March 2015! The scale was a huge obsession for me during my ED/recovery and I finally decided that the harm it was doing wasn’t worth knowing my weight. When I go to doctors’ offices I stand on the scale backwards and ask them not to tell me my weight. They are always very considerate of my wishes. Just a suggestion for anyone who worries about this aspect.

    • Hmm. Sorry this keeps happening to you! Some readers with this problem have had luck improving it by clearing their “history and website data” Blahhhh. So sorry that keeps happening to you!

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  53. Amen and hallelujah! The last couple paragraphs…so well said. Thank you!

  54. It’s so frustrating to me when doctors begin an appointment like that. Several years ago I was at my doctor for my yearly. Her MA must have told her I had a good tan going (it was late May and I tan easily) and as soon as my doctor walked in she said “do you wear sunscreen?”. Not hello, not nothing. I understand a good doctor should make sure you’re healthy but there are better ways to approach ones weight gain.

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