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Yeah…Immaeatthat

Jun 03

Nearly a year as a mom of two.

Noise of motherhood

There is so much noise in motherhood. Sometimes I notice myself adding a podcast on top of the noise during times of the day with kids that I don’t enjoy, as a way to distract myself. In a therapy appointment I was discussing how noisy my mind can seem and what contributes to it and one thing is being only partially engaged with something. For instance, listening to a podcast while doing something adds to the noise and doesn’t help me end up with clarity. Reading a book or listening to a podcast or audiobook when I am still let’s me be fully engaged with the book/episode so I can think about it rather than it just serving to distract and add noise. So I’ve decided for me, if I’m listening to a content/opinion heavy audiobook or podcast, I’m really trying to be still. While I think I’m a decent multi-taker, I don’t want to just add more noise. I want to listen to things that I can critically think about and for me to do that I need to have quiet so I can fully engage with it.

Covid realizations / Daycare switch

With both Andrew and I working at home, we have a family life that is actually more in line with what I imagined we would have. Andrew’s career has minimal flexibility, but now he’s able to get what he needs to get done at work, but also cook and help with day to day household and childcare responsibilities more. Without him having to commute there is more time for him to help. In some ways it’s been really awesome and in other ways hard. When he needs to be back in the office I know I’m going to miss a lot about this time, so I’ve been thinking what we could bring from our isolation time into regular life once things are opened up again (at whatever time that is…I think we’re still months away with him having to be in the office regularly). One thing I’ve thought about is…

We live in Texas and daycares are opened again (as they are able to comply with Covid-related guidelines). We ended up deciding to switch daycares because my realization was that while I have way more flexibility at my job than Andrew does (and many days I can be very grateful for that, but then other days I feel resentful of that and what I end up being the default parent on because of it), one thing Andrew can help with is drop-off of the girls at school if we switched to a daycare closer to the house…so we switched! I’ve really been trying to address seeds of resentment towards Andrew this year when it comes to parenting so they aren’t festering. Sifting through varies resentment situations to figure out what is my part in this and what is his part and what I or we need to do about it. The new daycare is convenient for both Andrew and I to drop the girls off at. The girls start back in July and Andrew and I are looking forward to not having to juggle childcare with work.

Summer reading list

I was looking forward to reading some light and fun reads this summer, but then George Floyd was killed and I adjusted my list. I’m currently listening on Audible to White Fragility and a friend of mine is reading it too so we can discuss.

I wrote the bulk of this post on Sunday evening and I was expecting/hoping by the time it came to post this the other 3 police officers involved would have been charged, but that hasn’t happened. I’m very against performance allyship, so I struggle with what to share about this. I liked what this post I saw said…

3 months after stopping breastfeeding = happiness shift

I’ve been done breastfeeding for a bit now and this was true when I stopped nursing Jojo and ended up being true when I stopped nursing Ella that around the 3 month after stopping I start feeling happy and like myself again. The newborn year is very hard for me. From talking to friends I feel like pregnancy is very difficult for some them but as soon as baby comes out they start feeling like themselves again. For me, I enjoy pregnancy for the most part, but the newborn year comes with sadness for as long as I’m breastfeeding (and then for 3 months after stopping breastfeeding). I was really happy with my decision to take an SSRI during much of the newborn year and I would make that choice again with any future kids.

Playhouse dreams

I’m slowly, but surely convincing Andrew to build an epic playhouse for the girls. Below is my inspiration photo. How amazing, right? I don’t think I want a sandbox though bc I don’t want to deal with cats…and I think I may prefer it on the ground so the girls can play without me being concerned they’re gonna fall off of it since Ella is still so little.

More kids?

I don’t have an urge to have another kid yet. When Jojo was this age I was pregnant with Ella because of this all consuming desire to get pregnant again. We always knew we wanted more than one kid, so when we only had one kid I felt like our family wasn’t quite right for us and I felt a sense of urgency to get to something that might actually be a stopping point for us. But now, (literally right now, bc I change my mind so much) I really feel like I just want to get to know Ella more and enjoying our two girls before we consider adding another kid.

I never really feel very bonded to my kids as newborns. I’m going to take care of them, protect them, and keep them safe. But I’ve really loved the progression and bonding from having kids move from infants to toddlers. Now having Jojo as a toddler I feel so bonded to her and I would instinctively do anything for her and that isn’t something I felt early on. I would’ve done anything for her but I think it would’ve felt frustrating and fraught with annoyance. I felt like I didn’t know her, but now I do and I love being a mom. When she wakes up in the middle of the night I want to comfort her and (this is likely because it’s rare she wakes up…if it was every night this would be different) I don’t feel rage and frustration at having to be awake. I usually just feel like this is my job and this is work I enjoy and that my heart is in the right place more often than not. The next day when I’m sleep deprived is a different story as exhaustion sinks in and I still need to function and I’m frustrated.

Weehoo bike attachment for kids

We stumbled upon a used Weehoo on Facebook and it is awesome! My only complaint is that it can feel a little wobbly (especially if the girls throw around their bodies a bit), but overall I’m very happy with it and would buy it again. I’ll be able to bike the girls to our new daycare and I’m looking forward to it. It sounds like a relaxing way to start the day when I have the time.

That’s my motherhood update! I hope you’ve found your new normal with Covid life (even if it’s a barely sustainable new normal) and are able to find some pockets of ease and joy.

19 comments on “Nearly a year as a mom of two.”

  1. Thanks for sharing. I just started my journey of life with two kiddos and can relate to a lot of your feelings. I really enjoy your motherhood updates!

  2. I just love your writing, your authenticity, your clarity, and your heart. You’re amazing. <3

  3. Hi – I love your honesty, as always.
    I wanted to ask you if you read Untamed? There is a great chapter on resenting your partner that I think you would find helpful (at times:)

    – kim

    • Nope, haven’t read it! Thanks for the rec.

      • Kylie,
        Thank you so much for your honesty. I relate so much to you regarding the newborn year- I was basically in survival mode. I can’t even say I enjoyed it, bc I was always so tired and overwhelmed. It is so, so nice to hear someone be honest and have somewhat similar feelings. My daughter is almost 3 and I am loving the toddler stage. There are truly times I don’t want her to grow up at this age, which I NEVER said during the baby months. Have a great evening and thanks again!

  4. I resonant with your motherhood posts more than any other writer. Thank you for being honest and sharing with us. I often feel like other people make time to listen to podcasts/books while doing other things and that’s always been so hard for me. I just found a book through our library on racism and I’m excited to dig in, but I need to carve out moments I can focus on the content to do it. Thanks for sharing! And congrats on another year.

    • Hey India! I’ve found with like light and fun content I’m able to listen while doing something (re the Jessica Simpson memoir hah) but with more heavy stuff I need quiet too! We watched 13th on Netflix last night and I feel most times it’s easier to find the time to watch something than read.

  5. So much of what you say about motherhood and marriage is me thinking “ME TOO! ME TOO!” Its so interesting to me that you struggled with the newborn period BUT you willingly went through it twice. I disliked the infant year so much and it caused so much resentment towards my partner, and rocked my mental health so badly that I feel I can never go through that again. Things are so, so much better now on all fronts, and as you said, the older she gets the more I enjoy motherhood and get more and more bonded to her. She is 4.5 now and I finally feel like everyone is in a good place. Having another child is a question on my heart daily, it’s so hard to know what to do when the first few years were such a mess. Thanks for your honesty!!

    • Hey Andrea, I think I would go through the newborn year again and right now hope to add another kid to our family eventually. Everything we’ve been through with Ella pales in comparison to newborn life with Jojo and I kinda expect that to be the case with adding another baby into the mix but who knows God’s plan and we could end up with a kid with unique needs. I will say that watching the sibling bond bt my girls has been the most effortlessly joyful and fulfilling part of motherhood so far for me. I imagine Andrew and I will end up in marriage counseling to determine if we’ll add another family member bc it is such a big decision and we feel differently about it and have right now reached a compromise to not have a kid for the next year. I think something that may play into this for me is that my best friend’s family had 8 kids growing up and there is a lot I really love about a big family. If we have another kid or we don’t…honestly neither would surprise me. I’m not sure if you’re a reader of Cup of Jo, but they have some great posts on adding more kids to families. The readers’ comments are gold! The cup of jo editor has two kids and has decided that even though there is a longing for a third kid she’s decided to accept that longing will always be there but they won’t be adding another kiddo to their family (or that was the last update I heard). https://cupofjo.com/2014/11/how-many-children-do-you-hope-to-have/ I really like hearing other people’s thought process around choosing the number of kids to have, but you may not!

  6. Another book a friend recommended is Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison. I’ve yet to read it but ordered it (it’s back ordered ) but have heard good things about it. 

  7. I so relate to your motherhood posts. You so wonderfully articulate the deep love yet hard mental battle of the newborn year. I love being pregnant and love my kids, but it’s so hard that first year. You’re not alone there – and it helps me to know I’m not alone in feeling that too. I know my husband and I had a hard time deciding whether to have more children or be done after two. I love the idea of a big family, and I think I’d always want another, but for my mental health and the health of our marriage, it was right to be done. I feel a deep peace knowing I can dive deeper into the relationships with my children and be fully present for them as they grow without the mental and physical drawbacks of pregnancy and postpartum for me personally. I pray you find what’s right for your family and that you reach a peace with whatever decision you come to. 

  8. Thank you for sharing the specific example of the resentment seeds and how you addressed them by switching daycares. Very helpful to me. 

  9. Just came to say that I too am looking forward to reading Midnight Sun in August :D

    Thank you for your posts, Kylie. I don’t think my spouse and I will ever be parents, but almost all of your posts, even ones I don’t think I will ever be able to relate to, are very calming and peaceful to read.

  10. Really enjoyed reafing your posts. it gave me such an energy to be honest. But I have a question for you.
    Yesterday I went out to local park near our house wth my son. And when I decided to pull up a bottle with milk for him. All of
    my stuff fall dawn from here. So I was completely lost, holding my son and trying to collect all the stuff back.
    Thanks God it wasn’t raining! ;)
    So I decided to buy myself a new comfortable bag. Can somebody advise me which one to buy and what are the top rated diaper bags?
    It is really imortant to buy the best one as I’m not ready to lost my stuff again. :D

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