My grandma passed away a couple weeks ago, which is why things have been quieter than usual around here. This is the first person who I’ve had die who I had a strong relationship with and I had enough time with, both as a child and an adult, to deeply love. I’ve noticed it’s affected me differently than other people who’ve passed away.
So I’ve been emotionally overwhelmed and had to prioritize where I put my attention for a bit, since (while I love the blog and appreciate you readers so much) my faith, my family and my clients take priority over any posting schedule these days.
When I get emotionally overwhelmed, there are still times I can’t identify what I’m feeling, but I notice I’ll start doing things that I don’t do anymore that signal I’m suffering in someway. For instance, I noticed I started biting my nails, which is something I don’t typically do anymore. I noticed I was at a pool with my mom and had cyclical, negative thoughts about my body, which if I’m blaming my body for my discomfort that’s a sign something is up. Also, my best friend (who I’ve known since I was one year old) texted saying she was coming into town for a week and I immediately started crying, while I’m always happy to see her I typically don’t burst into tears when I know she’s coming. Those three things and a couple other things I did made me think, “hmm. I wonder why I just did that?” So even when I think I’m doing okay or I know I’m not okay but can’t describe my feelings other than “meh, I don’t feel good”, my body still perks up with little signs it’s in pain and needs care in some way.