Yeah…Immaeatthat

Dec 15

my binge eating story + ‘How to Eat’ course launch.

I had a really messed up relationship with food for a long time and I don’t anymore.

I write the blog that would’ve helped me get out of my disordered eating and now I’ve created a course that would’ve helped me get out of my disordered eating ways.  While my eating disorder started off with restriction, there came a time when my primal drive to eat overtook and that is when my behaviors with food went a different way.

At some point in my life, I started believing that healthy eating meant avoiding satisfying foods.  It wasn’t about eating enough vegetables or whole grains.  It was about doing everything I could possibly do to stay thin.  Hello, thin ideal we are bombarded with daily.  Every day I woke up and started playing a game I couldn’t win.  I ate very “clean” and lite breakfasts and lunches (quinoa, low carb yogurts, no sweets, no fat, practically no anything)…and then I’d end up overeating at night.  This overeating wasn’t just an extra piece of pizza.  It was an entire bag of chocolate chips, an entire bag of chocolate covered raisins, an entire container of Trader’s Joe’s chocolate treats…all that left me feeling sick.  I still can’t eat chocolate covered raisins without being grossed out by them because I (I don’t know a better word to put here) abused them. 

Then repeat.  Over and over and over.

I feel like I talk more about the restrictive part of my eating disorder than I do the bingeing part, even though the restricting is what kept the bingeing going.  

There are two reasons for binge eating: 

  1. biological reasons (under eating or restrictive food rules, which triggers a primal drive to eat)
  2. emotional reasons (you don’t want to feel a certain way so you dissociate from how you are feeling by bingeing and replacing that feeling with a feeling of fullness)

I had both of those reasons…

  1. biological reason: I was under eating at the first part of the day.
  2. emotional reason: I had low self esteem, social anxiety, loneliness (high school and college was a rough time for me), test taking anxiety, putting unrealistic pressure on myself to HAVE to do well…and I didn’t want to feel any of that.  Focusing on restriction, food rules, achieving thinness and then the feeling of uncomfortable fullness after a binge gave me a fabricated sense of security that helped me survive for a while.  But at some point I wanted more for my life than a focus on restriction, food rules, thinness and uncomfortable fullness.

My biggest blind leap towards health came when I decided to stop making my eating patterns about my weight.  When I decided that I was going to let my body weigh what it needed to weigh and I chose to focus on truly healthful behaviors. Behaviors like 1) eating based on hunger, fullness and cravings, 2) moving my body in a way that felt good and not in a way that was aimed at changing my body, and 3) developing healthful coping mechanisms for handling stress and anxiety other than restriction/over eating.

There is a lot of information and tools that helped me get out of my disordered eating soul suck and I wanted to bottle them up and put them in one place…that’s why I created the course.  While I don’t think you need more nutrition guidelines to tune into your body better…I do think some guidance on how to tune into your body and what is preventing your from tuning into your body is helpful.  

Being on a diet/restrictive eating pattern never helped me be healthier, the only thing it helped me do is binge eat.  If you are struggling with an unhealthful relationship with eating and your body, I hope you will look at the course curriculum and see if the titles of the different modules resonate with you.

I outlined the course in March of this year and have been working on it since then.  It is the thing I am most proud of so far in my career and I know it is going to help a lot of people find peace with food and their body.  I’m so happy with how it has turned out and (quite honestly) glad it’s finally ready!  I have poured a lot of my energy and heart into the course and I can’t wait to hear how it is helping you.

23 comments on “my binge eating story + ‘How to Eat’ course launch.”

  1. I appreciate these posts so much and thank you for being so honest. Your course will help so many and I will certainly share it with my readers as I know it can help many of them too. Oh, and I hear you on the chocolate covered raisins!

  2. Congratulations Kylie!!!  I am confidant that all of your knowledge, insight, personal experience and hard work, have produced a successful & interesting course!!!  AND it will help tons of people. You truly have a gift with connecting to your readers :)  Thank you!!!

  3. Congratulations! This looks so amazing and I know it will help a lot of people. Your blog helped me make peace with food and my body, and I know you have already helped so many others. 

  4. This is so awesome! Your blog has been one of the few blogs I continue to read after I’ve recovered from my eating disorder years ago.  I am in school to become an RD, and it is RD’s like you that I strive to be like one day. Thank you!  

    • Coming from that history…you’ll be able to help a lot of people if you choose to work in EDs (and continue always working on yourself!). Thanks for keeping reading the blog, Morgan!

  5. Kylie this is so wonderful and I will be forwarding your course on to the many girls I see struggling with their relationship with food. Thanks for being so awesome :)

  6. How exciting Kylie! I think you are such an important voice for so many, and this is another great avenue to reach and help those that need it!

  7. You are incredible and such an inspiration! I tell a lot people about your blog because I think it could help many better their lives. I told a coworker about it because she’s so deep into the diet mentality, and it’s taking its toll. I’m hoping she’ll be willing to let go and embrace intuitive eating. I have more progress to make, but I’m far better at listening to my body thanks to you. :) I have to continue to trust that my body will steer me correctly. I see my renal patients so sick, to the point that they now have to limit certain fruits and vegetables. I have to work as a clinical RD here but not treat food the same way for myself, if that makes sense. It’s fun, nourishing, and most certainly not about being perfect. Thank you for being a strong voice with this message!

  8. You’re such an inspiring and incredible person! I’ve been through a very similar journey and your blog has helped me feel sane and not alone. It’s the perfect perspective, encouragement, and warm acceptance that everyone going through something like this needs. Thank you.

  9. Excited for you for the launch of this new course! Congratulations – I’m sure it will help many people!

  10. Beautifully said. You are seriously such a badass in the body positivity world, one of my go-to sites for information/inspiration. Excited to check out your course. xx

  11. You are such a rock star. I can only imagine how much work you put into this. Thank you for being so passionate and doing some good in this world <3.

  12. I am SO excited about this!!! You have been such a light in my life during recovery and your food philosophy still continues to play a major role in my life. Do you mind if I share this with my readers too??

  13. Pingback: Learn "How To Eat" with Kylie! – A Dancer's Live-It

  14. Pingback: My favorite post from each month of 2016. – Yeah…Immaeatthat

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