Nearly a year as a mom of two.
Noise of motherhood
There is so much noise in motherhood. Sometimes I notice myself adding a podcast on top of the noise during times of the day with kids that I don’t enjoy, as a way to distract myself. In a therapy appointment I was discussing how noisy my mind can seem and what contributes to it and one thing is being only partially engaged with something. For instance, listening to a podcast while doing something adds to the noise and doesn’t help me end up with clarity. Reading a book or listening to a podcast or audiobook when I am still let’s me be fully engaged with the book/episode so I can think about it rather than it just serving to distract and add noise. So I’ve decided for me, if I’m listening to a content/opinion heavy audiobook or podcast, I’m really trying to be still. While I think I’m a decent multi-taker, I don’t want to just add more noise. I want to listen to things that I can critically think about and for me to do that I need to have quiet so I can fully engage with it.
Covid realizations / Daycare switch
With both Andrew and I working at home, we have a family life that is actually more in line with what I imagined we would have. Andrew’s career has minimal flexibility, but now he’s able to get what he needs to get done at work, but also cook and help with day to day household and childcare responsibilities more. Without him having to commute there is more time for him to help. In some ways it’s been really awesome and in other ways hard. When he needs to be back in the office I know I’m going to miss a lot about this time, so I’ve been thinking what we could bring from our isolation time into regular life once things are opened up again (at whatever time that is…I think we’re still months away with him having to be in the office regularly). One thing I’ve thought about is…
We live in Texas and daycares are opened again (as they are able to comply with Covid-related guidelines). We ended up deciding to switch daycares because my realization was that while I have way more flexibility at my job than Andrew does (and many days I can be very grateful for that, but then other days I feel resentful of that and what I end up being the default parent on because of it), one thing Andrew can help with is drop-off of the girls at school if we switched to a daycare closer to the house…so we switched! I’ve really been trying to address seeds of resentment towards Andrew this year when it comes to parenting so they aren’t festering. Sifting through varies resentment situations to figure out what is my part in this and what is his part and what I or we need to do about it. The new daycare is convenient for both Andrew and I to drop the girls off at. The girls start back in July and Andrew and I are looking forward to not having to juggle childcare with work.
Summer reading list
I was looking forward to reading some light and fun reads this summer, but then George Floyd was killed and I adjusted my list. I’m currently listening on Audible to White Fragility and a friend of mine is reading it too so we can discuss.
I wrote the bulk of this post on Sunday evening and I was expecting/hoping by the time it came to post this the other 3 police officers involved would have been charged, but that hasn’t happened. I’m very against performance allyship, so I struggle with what to share about this. I liked what this post I saw said…
3 months after stopping breastfeeding = happiness shift
I’ve been done breastfeeding for a bit now and this was true when I stopped nursing Jojo and ended up being true when I stopped nursing Ella that around the 3 month after stopping I start feeling happy and like myself again. The newborn year is very hard for me. From talking to friends I feel like pregnancy is very difficult for some them but as soon as baby comes out they start feeling like themselves again. For me, I enjoy pregnancy for the most part, but the newborn year comes with sadness for as long as I’m breastfeeding (and then for 3 months after stopping breastfeeding). I was really happy with my decision to take an SSRI during much of the newborn year and I would make that choice again with any future kids.
I’m slowly, but surely convincing Andrew to build an epic playhouse for the girls. Below is my inspiration photo. How amazing, right? I don’t think I want a sandbox though bc I don’t want to deal with cats…and I think I may prefer it on the ground so the girls can play without me being concerned they’re gonna fall off of it since Ella is still so little.
I don’t have an urge to have another kid yet. When Jojo was this age I was pregnant with Ella because of this all consuming desire to get pregnant again. We always knew we wanted more than one kid, so when we only had one kid I felt like our family wasn’t quite right for us and I felt a sense of urgency to get to something that might actually be a stopping point for us. But now, (literally right now, bc I change my mind so much) I really feel like I just want to get to know Ella more and enjoying our two girls before we consider adding another kid.
I never really feel very bonded to my kids as newborns. I’m going to take care of them, protect them, and keep them safe. But I’ve really loved the progression and bonding from having kids move from infants to toddlers. Now having Jojo as a toddler I feel so bonded to her and I would instinctively do anything for her and that isn’t something I felt early on. I would’ve done anything for her but I think it would’ve felt frustrating and fraught with annoyance. I felt like I didn’t know her, but now I do and I love being a mom. When she wakes up in the middle of the night I want to comfort her and (this is likely because it’s rare she wakes up…if it was every night this would be different) I don’t feel rage and frustration at having to be awake. I usually just feel like this is my job and this is work I enjoy and that my heart is in the right place more often than not. The next day when I’m sleep deprived is a different story as exhaustion sinks in and I still need to function and I’m frustrated.
Weehoo bike attachment for kids
We stumbled upon a used Weehoo on Facebook and it is awesome! My only complaint is that it can feel a little wobbly (especially if the girls throw around their bodies a bit), but overall I’m very happy with it and would buy it again. I’ll be able to bike the girls to our new daycare and I’m looking forward to it. It sounds like a relaxing way to start the day when I have the time.
That’s my motherhood update! I hope you’ve found your new normal with Covid life (even if it’s a barely sustainable new normal) and are able to find some pockets of ease and joy.