This is the body I will be dressing.
A scroll through Pinterest while trying to fall asleep brought me to Brenè. She said, “expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” I don’t sit for long in a place of hoping my body will change, but this postpartum I feel my patience with my current level of soft and fleshiness waning and I’ve found myself expecting some change to happen on my preferred schedule and not my body’s. This has led to some resentment, or, not to go against Brenè, but more accurately for me, annoyance around my current body size. How this plays out for me is I assume my body annoyance impacts my level of body appreciation, which is a problem because it’s hard to care for something I don’t appreciate.
However, as my swirling thoughts while laying in bed were making their way through “a year and in and out of weeks and through a day and [back] into the night of my very own room” this phrase popped into my head: this is the body you will be dressing. The floating thought landed and felt like a missing piece that brought with it missing peace. The muck of the body changes that postpartum can bring were simplified with acceptance. It was acceptance that my body will not be changing shape or size in any seemingly efficient way. The phrase was a reminder to shift towards caring for my here and now body, rather than waiting around for an elsewhere and later body. With every postpartum I’ve gone through, there comes a point where I have to recommit to letting my body be. Taking a deep breath and stepping back into the truth that being in a constantly evolving body is the healthiest option for me. In some ways, the postpartum body is something that sounds nice to skip over.
In our kitchen growing up my mom had a Mary Engelbreit tear-off calendar with illustrations and quotes for each day. There are certain ones that have stuck with me, one being, “sometimes the only transportation is a leap of faith.” Something that revived this acceptance was taking the plunge and buying clothes that don’t hurt my current body. Today, in comparison to a decade ago, I find myself physically stretched, sagged, fuller, and/or emptier in a variety of areas. Which is how I expected it to be. With these changes, I feel like I’m learning to dress myself all over again. One thing that has become clear is that jeans are no longer my preferred item of clothing. Can someone please tell me why mom jeans are called “mom jeans”? As a mom who is 3 kids deep, mom jeans dig in and hurt my belly.
Since jeans are mostly out, I got a couple colorful-to-the-max skirts (this one and this one). I pair them with trendy sneakers and it makes me feel put together. My girls are in love with the skirts, because despite me reading Princesses Wear Pants to them, skirts are still “the most beautiful.” And despite me encouraging them to more broadly define beauty by mentioning, “the thing that makes you the most beautiful is how you treat others and yourself,” they continue to stand firm in their convictions that, “No, Mom. Skirts are the most beautiful.” Which is fine, because skirts are beautiful! One of the many good parts of having kids is when a child looks at me and theatrically *gasps* at my beauty and then proceeds to tell me all the things they adore about what I’m wearing that day.
The truth is, my here and now body is how it’s supposed to be. It’s how it’s supposed to be because my behaviors are no longer disordered or unhealthful. I have respect for the person I am, the values I live by, and the behaviors I engage in. That respect is there regardless of my size. I like my life and I like myself. The process of taking care of myself is not jam-packed with sensational appearance-related changes and, because I’m human, I can grow impatient with that lack of change as the months pass. However my body is a good one that I’m glad I get to take care of. So tomorrow, I’ll wake up and once again listen to my body, respond, notice when something makes me feel unwell, try something different as needed, repeat. Year by year uncovering what brings consistent and ongoing well-being for me. A year from now this body will be more familiar, either because my body has shifted back to a more familiar size or time has passed and I’ve gotten a chance to get used to this changed body – we shall see.
I really like this post. What a wonderful gift to give yourself and your daughters. We are doing some shopping tomorrow with my growing teenagers and I’m going to remember these words for them, too.
Thanks, Elizabeth<3
Thank you for this post Kylie! My third is 6 months and just yesterday I thought, yup, here it comes, the postpartum body frustration. I spent all day hiking with my kids and at bedtime could only think about some bad pictures of myself that were taken. WWKS? I asked myself, and then thanked my body for giving me a great day with my fam. This post is right on time. THANK YOU for all you do and share, it really makes a difference for me!
Yep, that postpartum body frustration. An emotion that is normal and to be expected in any relationship…even our relationship with our bodies.
You sound like a great mom who is up for adventures.
I loved hearing your daughters chatter about your lovely skirts… so adorable! :) And thanks for sharing the links— appreciate it. Having married later in life, I didn’t have children, but am dealing with the changes in my body from menopause. I definitely regret not appreciating and enjoying my younger body more, having succumbed to impossible perfectionistic lies for most of my life. However, God is a restorer. I’m learning it’s not too late to experience God’s peace and joy now with food and my body. As always, thanks for your help to do this, Lord! :-) Thanks for your post, Kylie!
Hi Kathy, thanks for commenting :) I have often thought that the body I have now at this stage of postpartum will be pretty similar to my menopausal body. Who knows, but that is another motivator for me to not attack this current size because 1) yes, it is the body I have right now, but 2) because this body will probably look similar to my body in the future as the belly changes that come with menopause occur.
As I was reading your comment I was thinking how in the book Fulfilled the author talks about how the problem isn’t that our bodies are too big, it’s that they are too small to ever fulfill us. Only a Savior can do that.
All the best to you!
I despise high rise jeans- which everyone seems to rave about- but I absolutely cannot breathe in them. Doesn’t matter the size, they dig into my diaphragm in a way that doesn’t work.
I love your writing and am so glad you’re back.
I just had my third and caught myself thinking “I need to get new clothes”. Last two times it would have been “I need to loose this weight”. I’m so happy with that change.
That’s awesome to hear :)
Thanks fo that Kylie.
And for being back ! I was a long-time reader of your blog and did not know you were still sposting on this space. It was a surprise for me to stumble on your website and find again your insightful and kind thoughts on body image. What a pleasure.
For a long time, I was struggling with EDs and body image. And some sentences I read on your blog still hit me and remind me that food, or my body, is never the problem. Rather, self care and kindness is always the solution.
Thank you, Kylie, for your vulnerability in this post… I feel EXACTLY like this right now. Granted I am only a little over a month postpartum with my second child, but I am really struggling with accepting the changes in my body, and being okay with it potentially never being the way I was used to. Your words encourage me to keep pressing in to God’s heart, and to surrender to the change in this good body.