Phew. December flew by. We are in the midst of sleep training Leah. Tonight will be night five. I can’t wait for consistent, predictable sleep and it is in sight! I remember sleep training Jo and being so distressed by it, but now I really think it is a good thing with how once you are through it, it lets everyone, baby included, get enough sleep. The first night Leah cried an hour. Then woke up and cried for two hours (gahh, poor baby) and I almost caved and went and got her because Andrew was sick so I was having to go through it on my own. But I held the line and then the next night she cried for 45 minutes, then asleep. The third night she slept from 6:15pm to 6:15am – magic. Look at this adorable picture of her below. I’m in Andrew’s sweater below because the weather turned cold and I didn’t have anything that fit…so it goes. A wardrobe update is needed!

There’s a little glimpse behind the scenes! What I actually wanted to share in this post, as we’re heading into the New Year, was something that happened recently.

A few days ago, my sister and I were talking about feeling uncomfortable in our bodies. I was sharing that my belly area is more insulated with fat than I’m familiar with and whether that is due to postpartum, the anti-depressant I take, or just aging…who knows, it’s probably all of the above. We were talking about how it’s hard sometimes. Hard to feel uncomfortable in our bodies and hard for our bodies to shift…and then shift again. I remember before I got pregnant with baby number 3 thinking, “I feel healthy and strong and I’ve got more fat on me than before, but this is where my body is stopping. I’m doing a level of movement that is healthy and good, plus I have a healthy relationship with food and this is as “fit” as I get.” The fitness industry would probably call this a plateau, while I more view it as healthy to accept it and not attempt to push past it with extremes.

So, we were having a conversation about our bodies and the feelings of disappointment that can come with being in one.

Later that evening, Andrew very intentionally said to me, “you’re so beautiful.” I figured he said it because he wanted to encourage me because he had overheard the conversation earlier. But then he said, “We’re into our 30’s now. You know what you’re doing, how to do things, and who you are. We both do. It’s attractive.” Hearing this I felt like so much tension in my body just disappeared, because, man, it is so nice to be loved and valued for qualities that are not dependent on my appearance.

An exercise I learned from an early mentor was to have a client close their eyes and draw a picture of themselves. When they’d open their eyes and look at the picture, they’d see an arm attached to their head, a foot disconnected from their body, an eyeball on their chest, etc. The point being, you can’t accurately draw yourself if you can’t fully see yourself. For those who struggle with eating disorders and body image disturbances, in their evaluation of self they derive a large part of their worth from their body’s appearance. During times of stress, when we crave safety and relief, a way to simplify life can be to blame our body as the root issue of what we are going through. During these times, it’s good to remember that we may not be seeing ourselves accurately. Circling back to the picture analogy here: you can’t fully know yourself, if you can’t fully see yourself. I hope we all can see more in ourselves and others than our body size.

I know these things, and from time to time, especially during week after week of sleep deprivation my brain starts to offer up ways that my body isn’t good enough. When I’m laying in the bath and the thought crosses my mind of, “wow, my belly is more insulated with fat than ever.” Or, when my daughter asks me as I’m getting dressed, “is that a big belly dress?”, since a dress I had tried on earlier didn’t fit and I told her my belly needs more space. Her comment, while non-judgmental and pure, still made me cringe a little. I share this because I never want to pretend that I’m at some magical endpoint that makes it easy to be in my body 100% of the time. It is true that the majority of the time I do like myself and my body is more or less a component in liking myself, depending on the day. As for thoughts of body dislike and body annoyance that come up, I do reframe them to something more positive, or, at very least, something neutral. Most often I find myself thinking, how interesting that I can like myself so much even in this body that has this level of fat. The bulk of my worth, is no longer in how I appear. I remember a client asking me one time, “but what if I end up fat but I don’t know or care that I’m fat?” To which I said, wait, wouldn’t that be great? Wouldn’t it be great to not be distressed by it?

There are a handful of evidenced-based ways to encourage positive body image. These days, the two of those I’ve found most helpful are 1) a focus on functionality and 2) what I believe spiritually my body is for.

When it comes to functionality, this looks like having a practice of drawing my attention to and being in pursuit of having a body that functions well, rather than expecting it to look a certain way. MommaStrong is a big help in my life with this one. MommaStrong is all about being mindful of having the correct muscles fire when you do particular movements.

Now, onto what I believe spiritually my body is for. A helpful bumper sticker slogan that comes to mind here is, “instead of pursing thinness, pursue with-ness with God.” For me, engagement in a spiritual life looks like finding ways to enjoy God and doing more of those. My favorites being, silence and stillness in God’s presence (my most energizing spiritual discipline) and scripture memorization to speak over myself when I feel so disturbed and dysregulated for whatever the reason. My body is a meat suit I walk around in, but it is not who I am (I believe that term “meat suit” came from Jess Connolly’s book). The size of my body, whether bigger or littler, will always fall short of fulfilling me.

Another practice I want to start doing more often in 2023 is meditating on 1 Corinthians 6:19-20. “Don’t you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought at a price. So glorify God with your body.” Specifically visualizing my here and now body, with this level of fat and this level of muscle, being a home to the Holy Spirit. This body, regardless of how it shifts, will continue to be the home of the Holy Spirit and the place where I commune with God, therefore my body serves a tremendous purpose and is of great worth. Therefore, I will not talk bad about it and I will catch my thoughts and recognize them as lies when I do think bad about it. I’ve even started, from time to time, weighing myself before my quiet times so I can acknowledge through awareness, repentance, and prayer how I’m trying to earn my worth through my body size. This kinda happened randomly one time and I really like the practice of it. Ultimately, if you want to increase your positive body image, developing a body image practice that you can consistently do is necessary. If you’re looking for ways to increase your positive body image in 2023, I hope this post offered up some useful ideas.

Happy New Year to you! I hope 2023 has wonderful things in store for you. Thank you for being here and for supporting the blog. Going forward on the blog, you should see no ads on my new posts, but they will show up on older posts – let me know if this isn’t what is happening on your end.

For me in 2023…postpartum feels like there’s an electrode attached to me with there always being something that needs to be done. I’m looking forward to more sleep so I can get back to more delighting in the kids, rather than just be exhausted by them. I miss having the space and energy for more one-on-one time with my big kids. Sleep deprivation makes for a tired and not super engaged mother. I have a lot of things to look forward to in 2023 – Laguna (always Laguna), consistently and predictably getting to sleep through the night again, getting one kid in public school and no longer having quite as high of a childcare expense (yessssss lol), settling into a family of 5 and leaving the exhaustion of the baby stage behind. See you in 2023.