A lie: If I stretch myself, my needs won’t be met.
After sharing for twenty minutes, I ran out of thoughts and my therapist organized them into: “You are believing a lie that if you stretch yourself, your needs won’t be met.”
Stretching myself is fine, obliterating myself is not. I’ve been missing the distinction between bending and breaking. Historically, taking myself to the point of breaking created the need to disconnect and an eating disorder oozed in to keep me afloat. Over the last decade, I’ve been seeing my limits (accepting them more and more over the years), learning about myself, and chipping away at identities/roles/tendencies that are more of a hinderance than a help. A practice I’ve started lately is thanking God for how he made me.
Back to the above lie. Here’s the path it takes through me:
- If I stretch myself, my needs won’t be met.
- If my needs aren’t met, I won’t feel good.
- If I don’t feel good, I won’t like my life.
- If I don’t like my life, I won’t be able to handle things.
- If I can’t handle things, I am worthless.
For efficiency’s sake (I guess), my brain connected 1 and 5: if I stretch myself, I am worthless. From, “you’re worthless,” a million ugly hates can be birthed. Fortunately, these lies have been exposed. So, when I hear their stale echo traveling through my body I can stamp them out by meditating on the cross where God’s love was poured out for me. These lies are the enemy’s metronome. A continuous pulse to teach the pace of tearing oneself down in your own voice.
I still hate not feeling good. I’m sure we all do? When I feel aimless, it can feel unbearable to me. I’d rather be having fun and feeling ambitious. I believe that peace doesn’t come from constantly changing one’s circumstances, but what then is the alternative? Just feel bad? Feel the feelings without going into skill – rinse & repeat? But then, I was going through a depressed day and I had the thought to ask God to be with me in my suffering. It was a shift and a relief to view anxiety and depression as suffering I needed help walking through, rather than something I had to fix. The change here is leaning on Christ, instead of my circumstances, for wellbeing. I will continue, as I have been, to benefit and grow from talk therapy, EMDR as needed, and a psychiatrist. But now, I hope more and more, I look to Christ for help.
In hard circumstances, I can still be in the Son. I had (have? Constantly still am?) been thinking I could only find wellbeing if my circumstances were calm. This has proven problematic, since calm circumstances can be scarce in a house of three young children and an active, alive marriage. For the past decade, so much of my life had become about trying to manage my circumstances. I’d get resentful/angry/dysregulated by unpleasant circumstances because of a fear of getting stretched and the above free fall of thoughts. I’m finding that this distinction of bending vs. breaking, stretching vs. obliterating, is a helpful one for me. So, I wanted to share.
I think of you readers often, the ones I’ve met and the ones I’ve never met. Beautiful, strong, wounded women just like me. I pray healing and peace for you. And, for you to get to be part of a life you love.
More lies to tackle another time: I can’t be good at anything I don’t enjoy.
You are so talented, I love reading your deep and insightful thoughts! Love how you are leaning on Jesus! :)
Thanks, Cindy!<3
I really appreciate these types of posts! It’s really helpful to hear how other people are working through things and helps me reflect on my own thought patterns. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable with your audience!
Thanks for the encouragement, Alli! This post did feel vulnerable, but I was excited to share it :)
God has given you such a gift in being able to express yourself so well. This post really resonated with me. I tend to find myself being tossed to and fro by my circumstance (mainly my children’s behavior/moods) when I long to be rooted and steadfast in Christ.
“It was a shift and a relief to view anxiety and depression as suffering I needed help walking through, rather than something I had to fix.” <– That is SO good! I have struggled with anxiety ever since beginning my eating disorder recovery six years ago. I exhaust myself trying to fix it and thinking I will finally start living once it goes away. Then God gently reminds me that He uses ALL things for my good and His glory. Isn't it wonderful that we can find true peace in joy in the midst of anxiety and depression by allowing Him to step into our struggle and by resting in Him?
Thank you for sharing. I was encouraged by your words.
Glad to know I’m not alone. Thanks for reading and commenting, Jennifer<3
Always love your blogs! I somehow missed this one but I needed it today. Thank you!
<3