Onward I go, with all the thoughts in tow.
A collection of thoughts.
Will Andrew and I figure out all of parenting together, or will there be aspects that are always just hard hard hard? When he does something that upsets me, I retreat to being aggressively independent. “I’ll show you. I won’t be a burden. I’ll do everything for the kids and expect little household help from you…”, but, *sigh*, I don’t do that anymore (well, much), because we’re in this for the long game. If he doesn’t help with household things or what I’m interested in, I will end up so resentful when the kids are grown that I fear there will be nothing left that resentment didn’t burn up. So, I leave space for him to help. I go outside and sit, when I could immediately do the dishes. Or, I halfway prepare dinner, then take the kids to the park and text him the final step for when he gets home. And you know, slowing down has become easier and easier, since I’m very tired and a bit loopy from the noise of these children.
Our marriage is best when we both value the lots of things the other does. And, the best part of my day is getting into bed with him and feeling such relief that we don’t have a newborn. That I can sleep through the night without having to be annoyed that he isn’t getting up enough to help. Instead, I can just be by his side to love and be loved by him. Our marriage is slow, gentle, calm and feels like such a reprieve from much of the world that feels too loud and fast. Maybe, I’m realizing, there are many things (maybe most hard things?) you can’t make sense of, you just get through.
I do a progressive muscle relaxation to the kids before they go to sleep. Recently I fell into the familiar flow beside Jo – “Jojo’s eyes are heavy and tired. Jojo’s ears are heavy and tired. Jojo’s nose is heavy and tired.” Laying there, my brain started ping-ponging from a formaldehyde-smelling vet school building in college to Jo’s eyelids heavy with sleep. I look at her and think: if I could’ve just seen a glimpse of her, of her brown eyes and blonde hair, of how wonderful she is, it would’ve made college less gut-wrenching. It would have brought the perspective that those years were simply a stop along the way to something awesome. I finish the muscle relaxation, but she doesn’t want me to leave. I remember, when growing up, the best nights were the ones my mom dozed off in bed with me and the feelings of safety that brought still bubble up in me when I think back. But, tonight, I’m exhausted and starting to get annoyed, so I shut the door. She yells at the door. Andrew’s turn.
Seeing myself reflected in my child has made me more caring of *me*. I’m naturally accommodating of my kids (to a point, my patience has its limits. See above.), but I’m less understanding of myself. Getting to watch Ella grow is like a front row seat to being able to see how I am. How hard it is to be so affected by things and how intense emotions are experienced. I remember times as a kid trying to pull out my hair because I felt so chaotic inside. It’s hard to be the one experiencing the emotions and it’s hard to be the parent tasked with guiding and equipping. While sometimes the intensity of this nature comes out in screams and dysregulation, the other side is how deeply it makes one care and look out for others. I have to remind Ella not to give her food away at lunch just because a friend held out their hand for some. I have to remind her to play at the park, instead of making sure Leah is safe. While some might look on and say it’s people pleasing, it’s actually just people caring and there is a big difference in those. If someone cries, she cries with them. She’s so beautiful. I tell my girls that what makes you beautiful is how you treat others and how you treat yourself. They hear me, but they still really want long, beautiful princess hair and are frustrated that theirs won’t grow quicker.
I wonder if our new house will feel like home? Maybe it’s only your childhood house that feels like home? Well, if you had a good childhood, which I did. I drive by my grandparents house often, sometimes I catch the eye of the new owners. I keep driving, even if I told them, “you see, this is where my grandpa used to take me to Blockbuster and I swam all day while he sat in a chair for hours and watched us and then he brought us ice cold limeade. And, a decade later, when he had dementia he would recite me and my sisters’ names: ‘Layne, Kylie, Quinn. Layne, Kylie, Quinn. Layne, Kylie, Quinn.’ Doing everything he could to not forget us. Have you been loved like that? I hope so. Because of him, and my mom, and my dad, and my sisters, and my friends, and all the neighbors and loved ones who have shaped me, I get to extend that same love to my kids.” Yup. That’s what I’d say to the new owners…but I don’t stop, because I don’t think they’d get it. But, who knows, maybe they’re like me. Maybe they’d let me come in and cry for a while.
If I can stop for long enough, I can appreciate how much I’ve grown.
What will my girls remember about me? I think it’ll be a mom who screamed a little too much and couldn’t handle too much noise, but did progressive muscle relaxations and sang “What a Wonderful World” until they fell asleep. A mom who built up their autonomy more proactively than she enforced rules. A mom who created a good home for them. But then fear comes in:
“Jesus, what if I die? What if I don’t have time to create home for them? I’m scared, Lord. Help me not fear. I feel we have to hurry. We have to get into the new house so I can create home. I know I can create home for my kids, please give me time to do it, Lord.”
I sense from Him: “Be still, my child, and trust one day at a time. Fear makes your soul heavy and tired. But I will refresh you each morning. You will rise to new mercies and endless grace. No matter your fear, or how you feel, I am a steadfast and sovereign Father.”
“Father, I don’t want to think anymore.“
“Okay, sing.”
Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
“Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Onward I go, with all the thoughts in tow.
Kylie, I so appreciate your honesty and heart in this post. Your dialogue with the Lord brought me to tears. I screen shotted it to use for times when my fearful thoughts get loud and overwhelming!
The fearful thoughts can get aggressive! Love to you, Caroline!
“I don’t want to think anymore”
“Ok, sing.”
😭
This is beautiful, thank you.
<3<3<3
You have such a beautiful way with words!
Thanks, Cindy :)
This was stunning – the part about your grandparent’s house had me legit crying. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with all of us ❤️
Miss you, Anne<3
So heartfelt. Thank you for articulating what I so often feel 💓
I figured I have many deeply feeling readers like me. Glad I’m not alone :)
What an utterly lovely post. ‘If I can stop for long enough, I can appreciate how much I’ve grown’. A beautiful quote that I screenshot. Also, the story of your grandparents, so touching. You are doing great things, Kylie! I hope you are able to see that!
Thank you for the reminder, Madi <33
Everything about this post is so beautiful and relatable, also bringing tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for sharing. I love how you described your marriage as slow, gentle and calming. As we currently are in the newborn stage with baby #3, I’m reminded I’ll once again get to that relief of going to bed being grateful I’ll get to sleep all night again, and enjoying this short season.
Hang in there. Sleep in on the horizon. It’s so tough when you’re in it tho.
long time follower / reader / admirer / fan girl, first time commenter here. this was so poignantly beautiful and raw. thank you sharing and allowing your journey through this messy life to have such a positive influence on my own (and I’m sure others’!) lots of love and endless gratitude from San Diego, CA :)
Hi Justine!!
Just wait, when those girls are teenagers, you’ll discover that the years of hard work pay off. You’ll have loving and thoughtful young women and that is how we change the world. And marriage gets even better too :)
Thanks, Elizabeth <3<3
I overall appreciate and relate to so many of your thoughts here. Tearing up toward the end – I also had Great is Thy Faithfulness singing in my head this morning. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks for reading, Melanie<3
Kylie I’m a long time reader of your work and I absolutely love this post! So honest and nuanced and thought-provoking – thanks so much for producing the work that you do. Take care! Lisa
Thank you, Lisa!!
You have such a beautiful perspective ❤️.
<3