Last week, I reached my tipping point of annoyance with buying clothes online only to return them. When Saturday afternoon rolled around, I buckled up the 4 year old and we went to the mall. Yes, the mall! Since I’ve been making a candle, I’ve been more aware of scents lately. And if the mall scent was made into a candle, it would be subtle cigarette smoke meets a waffle cone. This is not a necessary candle to make. Anyways, I hadn’t had a mall trip in years! 

I was after a pair of jeans. Real, not super stretchy, jeans. I went to Nordstrom and after thumbing through racks of denim with the names of Paige and Mother, I found a store associate who told me, in a whisper after hearing my price range, “oh honey, you need to go to the back wall over that way.” I found my price range (~$130) and desired look (straight leg; hitting at the ankle; minimal flare) in this pair from Good American. They fit my waist *and* my legs, whereas, since having kids, some Madewell jeans fit my waist, but are too large on my legs.

However, to find that pair, I took 15 pairs of pants into the dressing room. The same style of jeans, but in a different wash, had way more of a flare at the bottom, than the color I ended up going with – I could only know this shopping in-person. Also, I tried on some Zella joggers and the texture of them was as if humidity was made into a fabric. HORRIBLE! So sticky. While I tried on pant after pant and gathered pants opinions, my 4 year old danced around and overheard me saying:

Me: “Oh, ouch. Ella, do you see how these jeans squish my belly all together? This hurts. Clothes should never hurt.” 

Four year old: “Oh yeah, those aren’t right.”

Me: “It’s hard to think and play if your clothes aren’t comfortable.”

That day, Ella and I had a blast. She wanted to try on a million things and scored a new beanie, which she has been putting on Andrew when he plays guitar and I don’t hate it hah! I took home the jeans, a pair of Wit & Wisdom pants (even though the “ab solution” label makes me roll my eyes; they are very *very* comfortable), and a half-zip knit sweater. After, we hit TJ Maxx where I found a pair of shoes and several tops, my favorite of which is this cropped quarter zip that in-person is pink and maroon, a color combo I really like.

In some ways, I don’t mind engaging with my changed body (moving it, feeding it, appreciating how my grown/shifted body is what grew our family), but (a bit surprisingly to me) there has been some resistance for me to engage with my changed body that I wasn’t aware of until I was in the dressing room trying on jean 6 of 15. I noticed I was feeling like I was holding my breath, not around hoping I was a certain size, but hoping to find things that fit and I felt good in.

A substack piece from Virginia Sole-Smith said something interesting on home design taking over fashion in the years of leaving behind dieting, gaining weight and/or having kids. Sole-Smith shared:

“At one point in my life, I cared much more about fashion than about home design. This made sense when I was a broke teen and 20-something; I could shop for cheap shoes on 8th Street in the Village. I could do much less about the dingy tile in a shoddy studio rental. When I look back over my own trajectory away from Active Dieting, I can see that there were several years, coinciding with gaining weight and having kids, when I had basically no relationship with fashion. I couldn’t wear the same brands anymore. Nothing fit the same way or felt comfortable. I was afraid of taking up space, of being too brightly colored, too loud, too much. And what replaced fashion, for me, was home design.

I suspect I’m far from alone here. When you’re the fat friend who can’t fit into the clothes at Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, it’s helpful that you can go browse happily in housewares.“

Virginia Sole-Smith

I remember going to Madewell between kids 2 and 3 and not fitting into their pants. And then, the same day at LuluLemon not being able to find my band size for a bra and the store only going up to a size 12 in shorts. While I remember confidently telling the store associate, “What the heck?! You guys are missing out on money that could be made!” and feeling like there was nothing wrong with my body…there was probably a piece of me that shut down to protect me from the rejection of clothes not fitting. Maybe I too replaced “fashion for home design” along the way.

While on Saturday I felt fine trying on the clothes – mainly because one doesn’t have much time to think when a 4 year old is in tow, but also because I found many clothes that fit my body – still, that night I was irritable and noticed that trying on 50+ items of clothes in a day took a toll on me. But I know, it was worthwhile to do since there is no way to feel good in your body if your clothes do not fit. Having a constantly evolving body calls for constantly taking inventory of what does and doesn’t fit. Overall, it was a nice day shopping with my daughter. Focusing on the legacy I want to leave for my girls concerning the female form and how we dress it is something I see myself continuing to relax into and consider.

Also, I had Jo snap a photo of the new jeans, in case you wanna see :)

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